mixed emotions.

yesterday.

it was a long wait...

but i believe it was worth it.

we met with Dr. B...

mason's NEW neurologist.

he right away wanted to figure mason out...

he wanted to help.

he saw there is a problem...

he understood there needs to be an answer.

there needs to be a reason mason is who mason is.

we talked & agreed mason's biggest problem is his airway protection...

he inability or willingness to eat...

and/or for his brain to send the complex functions needed to swallow.

but this Dr. is the second person to mention the A word.

in fact he was adimit that mason needs to be assessed.

mason fits in many of the little boxes...

just does he fit in enough?

do we even want to go there?

he feels so strongly about what needs to happen.

really nice seeing a dr. who has good intentions & wants to help as much as he can.

the following is a copy of the report he has given me to show other Dr.'s before the formal draft can be done & sent out.

Diagnosis:

1. Severe Developmental oral motor dyspraxia.

2. Feeding disorder

3. Recurrent aspiration

4. Severe hyperactivity, aggressive, & sensory aversions, with multiple obsessive-compulsive behaviors. (Perseveration)

5. Abnormal/delayed speech & language with reduced empathy.

(Autistic like?)

Instructions/Follow up:

1. To see Dr. Myles Blank (Child Psychologist) for following examination and review, April 13, 2010.

2. Will be referred for elective MRI scan to exclude....

3. Suggest referral to Genetics for evaluation for possible genetic causes...

4. Mason's mother to have the following tests....

5. Consider formal autism assessment.

That sums up the visit with Dr. B.

today.

we finally saw our consultation team today.

mason doesn't have any proper therapists yet...

we are still 17 months away.

so our consultation team consists of:

dietician~ she thinks mason is doing better than he ever has been with his weight. YAHOO!!!

speech pathologist~ who until now has told us nothing, but since A was brought up she could tell us she has seen several signs of it for the past 6 months. because she is only a consultation speech...she couldn't tell me that she was thinking it's a possibility, until I asked.

THAT DRIVES ME MENTAL PEOPLE...MENTAL!

occupational therapist~ she is new to the team & she is going to do a 1 time assessment at our home, just to give us an idea of his sensory issues & what to do with them.

we also were told that mason will never receive the therapy he needs here in BC.

today we were recommended to move to alberta...

for what feels like the millionth time.

we were also told about a couple private clinics by each of the professionals we have talked to in the last few days.

the assessment mason needs is going to be $2000-$3000 at the private clinic.

but we will find out right away their diagnose & it will help us get mason more recognized.

if we get mason put on the government payed list it would be 28-36 months before he is looked at.

then a five month wait to get the results.

if mason truly has A...

he needs help now.

so we are going to somehow have mason assessed at Able Clinic.

it seems like we fall through the cracks everywhere we go...

so to raise $2000.

$2000 is something we just don't have.

we are looking for your ideas for a great fundraiser for mason.

this time the money will go directly to mason being assessed...

to helping us put a face to what mason is going through & how to help him.

when mason is assessed they will come up with ideas of who mason is...

a diagnose.

& this could help us get funded...

both for his feeding & his therapies.

we aren't asking for your money...

yet...LOL

we want to DO something to raise this money.

so PLEASE leave your ideas for me...

i am flat out of ideas!

tomorrow is a new day...

with yet another mason appointment.

Neuro

tomorrow is a day i'm not ready for.

i am sitting on the couch...

nick is emptying the dishwasher...

great hubby!

i should be getting ready for our app at children's hospital tomrw.

i need to get josh & his stuff ready for aunty amanda & school.

i need to pack the diaper bag for carter & mason.

i need to check my emotions...

i need to decide how to beg the doc to do something...

anything.

figure out what the future holds for my son.

i need the docs to work together...

i need this neuro to see no one else knows what to do.

he is the missing link.

i know we have asked all of you x1000 to pray for us & mason...

but i can't even stress how important it is to have this doc on our side.

to have this doc to work with other docs...

to figure this thing out.

Dr. B you are the doc...

i am believing through Christ that you are the doc...

i am declaring you are the doc.

so please pray.

tomorrow is going to be a really hard day...

i am not looking forward to it.

prayer is powerful...

our destiny is here & now.

thanks martin!

immobilized...

lack of wanting.

i am sitting in the kids play room...

its a disaster.

actually my whole house is disastrous.disgusting.demanding.

and the worst part?

i am immobilized.

i have been driven & driven.

i am tired & feel like i need a break...

from everyone & everyday life.

i need to sleep & sleep.

i am completely exasperated.

i am emotionally cold & yet not.

this house being such a disaster is driving me insane...

for those who don't know i am a perfectionist to the extreme...

bordering on being OCD.

if i can't do something how i feel it should be done it is incredibly hard for me to do.

so when moving & everything is loosing its place my house falls apart & literally it makes my stomach sick.

i feel emotionally strained & immoblized.

i want everything done.

here is where my kids come in the mix.

i love when they throw their food all over the place.

when they pull everything back out behind me as i desperately try to clean up.

when they cry & just want to be held all day, everyday.

when the tube comes undone whilst sleeping & the crib & the carpets need to be cleaned.

when there is pooh spread upon the bathroom floor.

when there are more dents in the walls we have to fix before we move.

when i can get nothing done.

when they fight.bite.scream.

see i can be emotional.

i just need to be left alone for 2 days.

i will work my heart out...

my house will be packed & clean.

i will be refreshed & ready to take on life again.

i will pick myself up...

at some point.

i just don't really want to.

we are moving.

we have found a place...

there is a lot of work to be done to make it great.

it will take time...but one day it will look & feel like home.

i will soon let you know the dates for painting & cleaning...

and of course moving.

i know everyone is dying to help us move again!

mason.

we have added "vega" a completely natural powder to his formula...

so far he is doing really well with it.

the hope is that with the extra calories he can continue to gain, gain, & gain some more!

mason weighed 26.2 pounds this morning...

this means he is in the 25% for his age!!!!

mason has come up from not even being on the growth charts to being a healthy weight in the last 5 months!

people this is HUGE!

it has been a very long time & a lot of hard work for all of us...

but we are finally going up!

thank you so much for your support.

prayers that he can stay healthy & keep his weight up are fantastic!

bootcamp.

i have started.

it feels really good to finally do something to take care of myself.

a huge thank you to all who are helping making it happen...

i will be healthy & in shape sooner than later now!

i am looking forward to more energy & feeling good about myself.

bootcamp is kicking my butt...

but i am kicking back!

it's my birthday & i'll cry if i want too.

tweet tweet.

i am stressed.

stressed about moving.

we have kinda found a house...

but it needs a tun of work.

i don't know if the rental company we are dealing with is really even talking with the owner.

i wish we could wake up tomorrow and there would be a house to rent.

a perfect home, that even though it's not ours...we could make it ours.

i went to bootcamp last night...

first time in since i was pregnant with carter & didn't know i was.

i pumped myself up with a protein shake & some loud carrie underwood while i drove towards my death...

i was scared.

but..

i got through it without vomiting...

i left feeling really good.

i felt refreshed & it felt so good to do something that was so good for me!

Bootcamp is all for me.

though i am sore today...

i am looking forward to getting my butt kicked again wednesday.

this is a promise to myself...

i will be tiny again some day.

only tummy scares will be left from my children...

the unhealthy fat & out of shape Dana will be gone.

it's my birthday...i feel 30

today i am 26.

my dad said to me

"you have more than most 26 year olds, people your age are usually still partying!"

i told him i could never imagine that.

i would be very unhappy with my life.

at 26 i am a mother of three & most of the time love my life.

no birthday celebrations today...

today we are off to mason's first "play therapy" at children's hospital.

dr. blank, here we come.

so happy birthday to me.

A good day.

today was a good day.

mason & carter got to see an ot (occupational therapist) today.

we have seen a few before...

they have sucked.

this new ot kim...

she rocks my world.

kim just gets it.

she knows.

she sees.

carter promises to be an adventure.

we are setting up a plan...

to teach him to eat more at one time & during the day time.

night is for sleeping...

doesn't he know that?

mason is a whole other competition.

one of whom most bow out of.

the objective to great...

the unknowns to unknown...

the unsung hero?

i hope its kim.

we talked & talked & fed the boys all different foods.

carter did really well...

mason did pretty well & then drooled for hours.

that means he aspirated some thing.

stupid silent aspiration.

kim has given a promise of a plan to do something...

to help in some way.

kim was also shocked at the fact we had no funding.

why if everyone so shocked can't the G be shocked into helping us?

media here we come...

this summer is our summer.

for once i feel some hope again...

some hope that one day my little boy might eat real food!

not need a tube to meet his nutritional needs.

we changed mason's tube yesterday...

mason~ "bye-bye tubie"

mommy~ "hello new tubie"

one day i hope it will really go bye-bye.

along with all the:

feeding bags...

feeding pumps...

syringes...

mic-key buttons..

nebulizers...

meds....

oh the list could go on.

our house is a pharmacy.

in fact the pharmacy we go to knows when we are pulling into the parking lot.

i am on first name basis & they know what i want before i even open my mouth.

i have hope today...

more than most days.

i will let you know her plan for mason when i have it.

prob in 2 weeks when we see her again.

kim you better be my rockstar ot...

i need you to be.

no pressure!

a chocolate contest.

a dirty obsession.

okay here it is...

i am obsessed with....

shhh...

chocolate.

i cannot go a day without 1 piece of it.

in fact i buy a 400 gram bar every couple weeks.

i can't help it.

when i am freaking out inside or having a hissy fit...

i just go to the cupboard & find myself a piece.

i close my eyes & let it melt.

then i am ready to take on the world again.

it.is.really.really.really.bad.

to use food for something like that.

i cannot stop thinking about chocolate.

i don't even really care about what type it is.

mmm....chocolate.

i am in need of some serious help.

i need some serious boot camp whippin.

some chocolate rehab.

in fact i think i could use a piece right now.

can you help me?

i need ideas...

to be rid of the chocolate.

for the obsession to end.

for your ideas you could win a gift basket...

FULL of chocolate!

you will not be disappointed & maybe i can be rid of chocolate!

How to enter:

1- You must leave your Name or Twitter id, contact & your idea under thoughts ~1 entry

2- Follow me on Twitter (SearsFam & Mason4variety) ~1 entry each

3- Become a Fan on Facebook (SearsFam)~1 entries

4- Share our website via Twitter or Facebook~2 entry each

5- Let me know how many entries you have made!

You do not have to do all of these, but it could up your chances of winning!

The contest will be closing on March 23rd, @ 11:59pm...which also happens to be my birthday!

Good luck!

Example "thought"

1. Dana Sears @ danamsears@shaw.ca

2. Twitter: SearsFam

3. I am a fan!

4. I shared your website on my blog...www.yourwebsite.com

5. I have made 5 entries!

birthday.

Mason is 2.

Mason is 2.

His birthday was yesterday.

When I ask Mason how old he is, he says "free" and holds up one finger!

Cute.

It is hard to believe.

The past two years are a blur, trying to make sense of what has happened is crazy.

I am done looking to the past.

Mason's has made it to his 2nd Birthday & he is doing better than he ever.

It's pretty cute hearing him call me "Dana" just to be cheeky!

Or "Nakey butt" when he has managed to get his diaper off!

He is growing up.

We did something that I think is so cool.

As a Family we Bowled for Variety's kids, on Mason's 2nd Birthday.

Variety is the Children's Charity who has helped us these past 2 years.

We raised $550 for Mason's Birthday!

So cool.

Mason & Daddy bowling together.

Mason bowling on his own.

Taking a break!

My son is a fighter.

I have no idea what else Mason & our family will have to fight in our future?

But we are ready for it.

We will fight and we will win.

There are lots of ups & downs...

Physically & Emotionally.

But we have got through the first 2 years.

It is onward & upward from here.

Happy Birthday to my Son.

He is no longer a baby...

I love you, Mason.

pics of my boys wanted!!

the coolest art ever.

Check out this contest through www.scarymommy.com/6940/ it is the coolest art from www.modernbirdstudios.com

I definitely would like to win this! I may even one day be able to afford to buy some...

I wish I could get it now! I would like three pics, one of each of my boys!

CHECK IT OUT!

family.eyes.carter

Family.

Nick's extended Family has been in town.

I got to meet some of the Family for the first time.

It was so nice, Josh loved the Big boys!

His Family has been nothing but supportive since they got here.

And I am never one to take compliments well,

I am trying to learn to allow myself to feel good, not guilty when I am encouraged.

And I have to tell you it does feel really nice.

I don't know why I feel guilty, it's not really guilt per se.

I sometimes feel like I am not good enough,

I am not doing enough.

I am not keeping up with everything.

But I have been told to give up on it.

I kinda have the last couple weeks.

But now it's eating me alive...my house needs a serious cleaning.

So who wants to come clean? LOL

I wish that all our Family lived close by and this wasn't just 1 time a year.

It has been really nice.

my eyes.

So I went and saw this Doc about my eyes.

I have had my eyes tested half a dozen times in the last two years.

It's always the same thing.

EXCEPT this last time!

This Doc tested for something not routinely checked and...

VOILA

He found it...

one of my pupils turns inwards!

So I have ordered new glasses and soon I shall be able to see and my eyes will relax...

Oh I can't even wait...

1 whole week.

Carter.

Carter has been my easiest Baby!

He doesn't come without issues though.

Along with his HUGE beautiful eyes & smiles...

comes more issues with eating.

WHY oh WHY?

Sometimes I get these feelings...Mason all over again.

Just little scares that take my breath away for a few moments...

and then I wake up from my thought and KNOW that Carter is way better than Mason ever has been.

Carter has been refusing to take bottles (anymore than 2 ounces) when he is awake.

I am having to dream feed him to get 4-5 ounces in.

I am tired...so many night feedings.

He is getting way better with not gagging on baby foods though...

This is a HUGE step.

We will be seeing an Occupational Therapist for him this thursday.

Funny that because of Carter, Mason is also going to get therapy 1 time a month.

GOOD NEWS PEOPLE!

Keep you up to date on what they have to say about the boys.

I am praying it is nothing but GOOD news.

Good night.

A Mason update...

Mason.

It has been a tough 6 weeks with Mason & his doctors.

I have been avoiding pretty much everyone and everything.

I haven't wanted to talk about it, but I guess it's time.

Starts with the GI doc.

He knows Mason is still having issues with his feeds and issues with real food.

But has passed the bucket.

Except the doc he tried to pass us too passed as well.

So we are going to be seeing a GI who no longer wants to deal with Mason's issues.

I love that Doctors egos can be so high...

Just because he can't figure it out, he's lost all interest.

We will be begging a GI from Toronto Sick Kids who has just come to Vancouver to take him on. He specializes in children who have feeding tubes.

Apparently, you can't stay healthy just eating formula your whole life.

Seeing the Neuro was a day that I lost all control of my emotions.

He didn't seem to care about the issues with Mason.

He didn't think he was all that bad.

"He's so good compared to other children with the same issues."

Okay, I know he doesn't have Down Syndrome, or CP...

BUT HE IS NOT NORMAL COMPARED TO A "NORMAL" CHILD.

So what do you want me to do?

The Neuro said, "He may very well have some neuros issues, but there would be nothing I could do for him. I don't feel warranted to do any tests, we probably won't find anything."

So I am supposed to sit back and let him be?

How does he know that we won't find anything?

How does he know that there is nothing they can do for him?

He said, "it's a GI problem."

GREAT, cause GI says it's a Neuro problem.

So we left as I sobbed in front of everyone in the hospital.

Is it so wrong that I would like to know what is wrong with my son?

Is it so wrong that I would like to know what our future holds?

I never even know what tomorrow brings.

I am tired, so tired.

Why are they all just passing the buck? I am so tired of it all.

We need $150 to get Mason's medical records or we have to wait anther five months to get them.

We have an older Pediatrician who is interested in his case and has some ideas, but he needs all the records. I do not want to wait another five months but we have to.

Who can afford to spend all this money all the time?

Funny that I have been looking into working one day a week doing Respite, when we really need some Respite.

I am so sick to my stomach lately about what to do?

How do I make them understand?

Or do they understand and their egos are so big that they pass?

If they say he needs therapy why doesn't he just get therapy?

Why do we have to wait another 18 months to get only some?

I am heart broken for Mason.

I wish I could do more, but all I can do is all I can do.

Julia & Julia

Julia & Julia & Dana

As I actually sit and watch Julia & Julia for the second time,

I feel the need to write.

This story amazes me.

The wise Julia.

(Wise meaning older)

She is an amazing woman,

So down to earth and so talented.

She is so sure of herself,

So confident that she can do anything.

Julia is calm, beautiful and she wears pearls...

Pearls in the Kitchen!

"Bon A petite"

This was how Julia said hello, and good bye.

The young Julie.

She is at first a lady who has lost her way.

She is also down to earth and talented,

Julia is just unable to finish anything she starts.

Julia is emotional and funny.

She decides to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook and Blog about it along the way.

It is a 365 Day, 514 Recipe adventure.

So it begins.

Dana

A mom who has lost her sense of who she is?

Other than "Mommy"

Down to earth and a Dreamer.

Talented with her hands, but no time to use with her talents.

Dana is physically and emotionally drained.

She decided to start a Blog of her thoughts.

Her Blog is a form of therapy for her.

Dana's Blog will end when she feels it's time.

There is no added adventure needed...

Her life is already enough of an adventure.

I felt excited and very touched by this movie.

Young Julia is kinda like me just, we are just on very different paths of life.

We both have lost our way and strive for more.

We both decided to start a Blog...for almost the same reasons.

A path to follow, something that is ours and something to actually finish.

I think in a way wise Julia is someone I will strive harder to be.

I think I may try one day to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook.

Not for the need...

Just to learn to cook and eat some good food.

But not until I'm skinny...skinny...skinny!LOL

It will be an adventure when my life calms down, that I can take on.

I am sure that later in life I will look back at this time and think....

Now what?

Just watch the movie!

Oh my house...

the pics to prove it.

So over the last seven weeks of sickness there have been very little pics of the kids.

but here they are...

My boys being ingnored...my house is a disaster!

Nick had to keep up with the kitchen and Laundry...Poor Guy!

And help at night with all the boys.

My one saving grace and a huge HIT was Nintendo DS...

Now I just have to figure out how to curb the boys enthusiasm to play it everyday, all day!

I just want to say I have one of the best hubbys alive...thanks Babe!

I feel like I have been that Mom that has just let go of everything.

With the weather changing I am praying for Health!

Thank you for all your prayers and offers of Soups and crackers!

Love you all!

Time has ticked away from me.

it's been a while.

I have had every sickness under the sun, the moon and the stars...

So have my Kids.

I am ready for us to be healthy.

I have been unable to do anything that is a Mom's J.O.B.

It's just that I have been so tired.

So stay tuned...I have many blogs to finish.

I AM BACK...OH YES I AM BACK!

Prayer's Please.

I have come down with another virus.

Of the Gastro kind.

Please pray that our Family can get well.

Please Pray that one of the Children get this.

Prayer is really needed.

I wish to be healthy.

Thank you from the Bottom of my Heart!

Meow

Meow.Meow.Meow.

So we went to the Bird Sanctuary in Ladner, with our Paster's Family.

And the Boys were so in LOVE!

It was a great Sunday. (Two Sundays ago)

We started with Church, followed by a drive that involved Walky talky's and lots of Jokes.

We arrived and had a picnic lunch, Roasted chicken!

Funny since we were surrounded by Birds.

I am pretty sure they were staring us down!

While we were all eating Mason was running around after the Birds screaming...

MEOW...MEOW

I tried to explain to him that they were not Cats...he didn't care.

We got to feed the Birds, they came right up to us and ate out of our hands!

We walked for awhile and just had great moments with God's Creation.

There are 7 from the Miles Family & 5 Sears family...

Daddy & Mason

Carter's big eyes & tiny toes!

A beautiful Place.

It was a Sunday I won't forget.

I hope that there are many more Sundays like this to come.

Sunday is a time for Worship, GOD & Family.