Mason is three.

It has been three years.

Three years since our lives were completely changed forever.

Three years since I thought my son was healthy, 1090 days since I discovered he was not.

It has been three years since I have averaged more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

Three years since "normal" existed in our world.

Three Years since Mason was just a teeny baby sitting in my arms, as I dreamed about what his life could become. 

Three years of struggle, hardship and pain.

It has been three years.

Three years since Mason came into our lives and changed who we were and are.

The growth, the bond, the strength we have achieved, all from Mason.

Our marriage and family tested more than most in a life time, has been made stronger with deeper love.

Patience.

Most important Mason has taught us, we are not alone.

God is in control of everything, we just need to trust.

Mason taught us that finances are just that finances.

He is the reason that we learned money will come and go, there is no reason to fight, or worry about it.

God provides.

Mason has taught us that there is light in the dark. It may be hard to see at times, but its there.

Mason has made us grow, and there is so much more growth left.

Mason's "terrible two's" has been the hardest year so far.

Moving yet again.

Financial burdens

The following are the Diagnosis we received in the order we received them in the past year:

Oromotor Dyspraxia

Sensory Processing Disorder.

Anxiety Disorder ( Mason and myself)

Pnuemonias

Non Restorative Sleep Syndrome

Chronic Lung Disease

Development delays become more severe.

Mason stopped eating orally.

Expressive Language Disorder

Impulsive and harmful behaviours.

Restless Leg Syndrome

Smith-Magenis Syndrome

PDD-NOS (Autism)

Possible Sleep Apnea and seizures.

Motility (dumping issues)

Possible transition from G-tube to GJ-tube is being talked about. 

Getting asked to move again due to Mason's noise and behaviour.

This has been the hardest year of my life, depression creeped in.

The amount of information that our family was faced with this year was "out of body".

I personally have felt lost in the craziness of our life.

This has also been the biggest year of growth and support in my life.

My motto is no longer,

"It is what it is".
I now rock out : "In him I trust". 

This has been the biggest change for me in the past year.

I am ready for Mason's third year of life. 

We are ready to take these "diagnosis" and show them who is boss.

There are many changes to come this next year, and I am finding myself very ready for them.

But most of all I am ready to try to learn how to help Mason.
And Josh and Carter.
We all are going to need to learn how to deal with it.

To Mason,
I love you more than words or actions can or have said.
I wish I could take all the pain and suffering away.
I am happy that you are three, it has all gone so fast.
Happy Birthday Spiderman.

Love your Mama.

The Best Kept Secret-An Auction for Mason

Once again my you all have SHOCKED me.

Shocked, shaken, and rocked me to the core.

I have no idea how you all did it?

So to those who don't know the best kept history...

Crystal from Domestic, But Not Martha has been scheming for a couple weeks.

Along with several amazing people, Crystal has thrown an online Auction for Mason together.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

Again the support from all of you on-line people along with in real life people...

it's just been so needed.

You have all lifted my spirits when I was so tired.

God is SO good.

Please go check out the deals you can get online, and all the funds are going directly to Mason and our family!

I am really at a loss for words, cause I have no idea how to even begin to show you how much this all means. 

So forgive me.

They will come.

The Best Christmas Present we could ever get.

Good tears are a flowing people...

they are flowing and it feels so good.

This morning we were told that Mason was found to be eligible for the At-home program.

Not only was he found to be eligible for Medical benefits but also Respite.

Just pure shock and excitement at getting anything...

but getting both Medical and Respite. 

Wow. Just. Wow.

This means that most of what Mason needs is going to be covered. 

I cant even tell you what this means to us.

AHHHHH!!!!

::tears and snot everywhere::

We have been fighting for so long...

We know that the fight is not even kind of over, but at least people are now joining our team.

A strong team wins the game right!

The past five weeks have been an absolute whirlwind for us.

First we get two diagnosis in one week.

For those who do not know yet Mason was diagnosed with Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.

In the past five weeks we have gone to having very little funding...

whatever we could get from Charities.

To know being approved for Autism therapy, Medical benefits, and Respite.

Talk about a complete three sixty to last year.

Not even going to think back to where we were last year. 

In the past couple months we have had several donations, some big & some small.

It has all helped.

We have presents that are coming for our boys for under the tree & a food hamper coming from the church.

It may seem silly because my Mom is making Turkey dinner on Christmas day, but I really would love to make my children their own turkey Dinner here at our house on Christmas Eve. 

It just wasn't in the budget with everything else this month. 

I can't even wait.

Maybe Mason will even enjoy a few bites of what he's allowed.

We want to make it clear that my Nick does work, in fact he has one day off this week.

 Nick works so hard for us. 

We sit in lower middle class income, and we would have been alright even if I didn't go back to work ever. 

But the costs of Mason have cost us more...

Like so many people we had to sell our home, use our saving and then go so far into debt.

It will take a miracle or very rich person to help us, to ever get out of the pit of darkness that is our finances.

It's a good darn thing we believe in Miracles.

::laughing:: Cause one can dream right!

We know that God has had us in his hands guiding us through this.

We have felt his hand alot lately.

The people that walked away from us have been replaced by a couple hundred more and those that have replaced them mean so much more than we could ever tell you.

We have truly felt alone for so long and the past several months we have felt so loved, prayed for and supported.

I am sure that some people find it funny that I say I am loved and love complete strangers.

Even Nick thinks its a bit nuts how much I care about "complete strangers" but I do.

You all have lifted our spirits.

We can't even begin to thank all of you who have reached out when we have been in the worst places.

Josh is and has been having a lot of trouble handling everything that has been going on.

I am praying that with someone to help with Mason now, Josh and Carter will receive the attention they need. 

This has been extremely heart breaking as a Mother. 

I just don't know where to begin to help heal Josh's heart.

It is hard living with Mason right now.

It must be especially hard on Josh.

This funding is going to do more than just pay for Mason's extraordinary needs, it's going to bring our family back to a place where we can focus on being a family.

Where I can focus on being a better Mother.

Where maybe we can see more of Nick.

What a Christmas miracle.

The tears won't stop flowing.

But they are some of the best tears I have ever had.

I just need to Scream.

And as soon as the babies wake up I just might!

As for us we will be decorating our Christmas tree tonight as long as Nick is home.

It'll probably happen tomrw since I have a feeling he is going to get called in.

Celebrations are in order, whos coming?

God is just SO good.

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19

It has been a day times ten.

Both Mason & I are really tired after today.

I don't know how today went or how I feel about it.

I feel like I sat back & watched what happened. 

I didn't fight for him today...

I guess when I got there I was just kinda done fighting on my own.

I left it fully up to God.

And it's about time I did.

So will Mason get the help he needs?

I am having faith in God that he will.

If he doesn't I may fall apart, {fair warning}.

So I am exhausted & it's 8pm. 

I am going to bed. 

I plan on writing a little more tomorrow.

But now I need sleep more than I need anything.

Sweet dreams.

I love you all more than I can explain.

Ps. If I do lose it please stick around to help me pick up the pieces, K?
Pps. I burnt my finger when I made Mac & cheese for my dinner. It is so bad I felt nothing for one hour, now it's all I can feel.
Ppps. Dear Hubs, you should have bought me these pots for Mother's Day. I need burn free handles on my pots, I am too tired to remember to grab the gloves. 

Today could change everything.

Just writing this is making me lose it.

In the past months Mason has met with a new Pediatrician who specializes in Autism.

He met with Karen a Speech Pathologist.

He met briefly with a new Physiologist.

Mason has had many development tests done in the past couple months. 

His tests have shown a very large drop in development. 

His mental health test scored six times the worry point.

Six times the worry point for his age of 31 months.

Many of the professionals that see Mason ask when he is going to get a diagnose.

Everyone says Mason is "just such a complex, difficult case".

As if we didn't know that.

Mason has finished the speech part of the Autism Assessment.

He scored three percent overall for his age.

The SP believes Mason should fit the spectrum.

The pediatrician thinks he should fit the spectrum.

Today Mason has his Autism Physc. Evaluation.

Although Mason has met with her once & she says she has seen plenty of his behaviors.

We are really nervous. 

We are paying for the Autism Assessment for the second time this year. 

We all know that as Mason gets older he will get a diagnose of High functioning Autism.

It's just by then it'll be too late for early intervention.

By then my son could be gone.

Who Mason once was...

We want to keep the glimpses we still see.

The bits of happiness that are still there.

The decline in of "Mason" in the past 7 months is incredible.

All this being said, Mason has times were he can be such a fun little guy.

We are just so scared of being let down again.

To afraid to think that we are actually could get some help from the government.

We are truly afraid & I believe we are all just guarding our spirits.

If Mason gets the diagnose of Autism he will receive the therapy he needs.

It'll give the government another reason to say he is not "normal" & his situation isn't changing anytime soon.

They will really have to consider paying for his medical equipment. 

I don't see how they could say no.

Our lives would change shape & for the better.

Mason needs that therapy, without it...

We simply cannot afford the therapy.

And we are still waiting to even get our appointment with the At-Home Nurse for her assessment saying he needs the medical funding.

We have been turned down twice.

We should find out this week or next the Genetic Results as well.

Does Mason really have Smith-Magenis Syndrome? 

We need this question answered. 

We have been waiting for 19 weeks now. 

Things at Nick's work have been really shaken up for the last two years.

They fired people, God saved Nick's job & put people on his side.

Over the summer his work put in a new Press...

For those who don't know Nick prints newspapers & flyers.

So in the summer Nick was in training for the new press, he lost $5 an hour for the summer.

It was a substantial loss, he also worked awful hours & was never home.

But he had moved over to the new press for the perks.

We have enjoyed those perks for the last two months.

He had three twelve hour night shifts a week, then worked one to two overtime shifts.

Financially we were kinda of getting our all regular bills caught up.

Now his General Manager has been fired.

This is one of the main guys who was on Nick's side. 

There is talk about changing the shifts by new management & he would be working 5 nights a week. 

Hopefully having two days off in a row together, but maybe not.

This leaves just two nights a week for overtime.

Money is going to be SO tight again.

And I will be up five nights a week anywhere from 6-12 times a night with Mason & the other boys.

Bring on the triple time exhaustion for Nick & I.

We have also lost $1300 a month due to taxes & a regular donation we have had for the past 11 months being done.

We knew it was going to happen, but its awful none the less.

Last year somehow our lovely government screwed up & couldn't fix giving me $700 a month. 

God was providing.

Trusting that the outcome of today is how God is going to provide now.

So as you can see all of this puts added stress on today.

Mason really needs help & he really needs at least this one part of his diagnose.

We realize that Mason will end up with several diagnoses in the end, but this one...

it counts for now.

It could change the rest of Mason's life for the good.

It sounds crazy, wishing for a diagnose of Autism to happen...

but we all know it's there. 

Please say an extra prayer for today, Mason has a knack for doing too well in formal assessments.

We are trying to have faith in God, that this is where we are being led.

We have always left our finances up to God. 

God can provide & he truly does.

But there is still anxiety about it.

It's only human right?

Our world has been different then we expected.

This is definetly not how I imagined things.

We have been talking about how our future as parents has changed...

And we strangely are at peace with it all.

In some "Drop us to our knees" news, there are some really great people in this world.

People posting left & right about Mason.

People sharing their thoughts, words, & prayers with us.

And then there is this one thing...

We got news yesterday that we are to write Christmas wish lists for our boys.

Some lovely people are going to buy them their Christmas gifts.

We are just so thankful.

Tears are strolling as I write this.

We really like giving our boys the world...

this Christmas we weren't going to be able to give them much.

My Christmas wish's are...

Mason to become healthy & happy. Whole.

Josh to have peace, the attention he needs. To be happy at home.

Carter to also become healthy & eat. Just. Eat & drink regular liquids.

Nick to have some time to rest.

For myself, rest & take care of myself properly.

Our family has felt the outpouring of prayers & support from everyone.

It has been truly amazing.

But I am going to ask again. 

Please say an extra prayer for Mason @ 12:30 Pacific time.

We really need the best outcome. 

We also understand that God has a plan.

We are trusting.