Motherhood: Highs and Lows

I am a Mother. Wow.

It often feels weird to say it, sometimes it feels surreal. I have these out of body experiences of shock, I made these? These are mine? Followed by the feelings of unconditional love, accomplishment and then the feeling of where can I run?

I was a young married woman, followed by a young Mom and now we are BIG young family striving to make it to bedtime. When I think about the past five years, especially the last three there have been so many highs and lows as a Mother.

 Here are a few of mine in the past five years, unfiltered.

High: The birth of my Son, Joshua.

Low: The first night home, in the middle of the night Josh had his first breastfed “blow out” in the middle of a diaper change. I kid you not, there was poop everywhere within in a four feet radius. I am talking like someone took a poop bomb and exploded it everywhere. My hair will never be the same. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. The “perfect” nursery we had gotten ready for him...not so ready anymore. 

High: Purchasing a new house & finding out we were expecting again. Buying a new Dog that needed to pull one of us ten blocks six times a day so he didn’t eat everything we owned.

Low: Losing a little baby girl I very shortly knew was there. And the Dog had to go too.

High: Finding out I was pregnant three weeks after losing her.

High: Having my second Son, Mason.

Low: Going back to the hospital five days after he was born because he was barely breathing. Knowing right then something was not right, and the Drs. dismissing that something was seriously wrong.

High: Realizing that no matter what could or was wrong he was my Son, we could do this.

Low: Finding out my Son was dying due to Doctor neglect and that he would need life saving surgery. Along with equipment that wasn’t covered. Losing our home and not understanding what was wrong with Mason. 

High: Taking at dollar store pregnancy test, throwing it out before actually waiting for the very faint line. To having it fall on the floor face up telling me I was pregnant while trying to hide the fact I took a pregnancy test as my MIL was trying to take out my garbage. All while living in my MILs one bed plus den apartment, not able to tell my husband for fear of the hysterical laughter that he would later do in the brand new not enough seater car we had bought three days before, on the way to church. To having the Dr. come in the room, head hung in shame saying he was so sorry. Explaining to me how I got pregnant since there was no way I could be. “I am on Birth Control, nursing, Aunt Flow hasn’t visited since the birth of Mason FIVE months ago”. 

Low: The shame I felt for being pregnant again while dealing a very sick son.

High: My MIL and Husband potty training Josh.

High: Josh becoming a little Man and going to an excelled preschool.

Low: Realizing it is all going by so fast & I was missing out on Josh’s little life.

High: Sitting in the van coming home from a Doctors appointment hearing “Mama” for the first time from Mason’s mouth at eighteen months. 

Highs: The birth of my third son Carter. Ok lets be real, when I went home from the hospital with Carter. “Birth” is never a high, its right after birth that is the high.

Low: Going back to the hospital three weeks later for suspected CP, or another “Mason”. 

High: Finding out that Carter was going to be ok, he just had extreme GERD causing Sandifers Syndrome. Medication would change him so much

Lows: Suddenly losing the happy, very “there” boy Mason was.

Low: Realizing that Josh has ADHD.

High: Realizing how gifted Josh is.

High: Carter clapping for the first time, followed by Mason’s first time clapping. Carter waving for the first time, followed by Mason waving for the first time...we are still on this high.

High: Realizing why God gave us Carter.

Low: Feeling the shame of caring what others thought.

High: Starting this Blog.

High: Sharing our life, no filter needed.

High: Creating life long relationships with wonderful women I have never met.

Low: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.

High: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.

High: Realizing that no matter what came our way that life would work it’s way out as long as we trusted God and continued to fight.

High: Learning to love myself for the Mother I am, no matter where my faults may lie.

High: Mason coming up to me rubbing my leg and telling me “I love you, you are my family, you are my parents, I will never let you die. You are my family.” A moment of real connection.

High: Joshua cuddling me on the couch, rebuilding the relationship stolen by uncontrollable circumstances. Thanking me for the dinner I actually got to cook for him.

High: Carter always wanting “Mama” to take him to bed, not “Dada”.

There are so many more Highs and lows, alot of lows still left in the past where they belong.

Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.

I will never judge another Mother doing what is best for their child, I have learned that you never know what choices are right. But us Mothers do the best we can.

I have hopes and dreams for accomplishments, sure. But nothing is more important than raising my Sons to be men of God. 

I would love to be a Mother to many more, adopted children...I am never doing that pregnant/birth thing again.

God put Joshua, Mason, and Carter into my arms, and told me they were mine.

I am pretty sure that I will never have another put into my arms, God chose me to be their Mother and I am already so blessed.  

I believe I may always have one of my children in my home, and I believe I will always stretch myself as far as I can and then God will stretch me a bit further.

My life can be hard, it can feel defeating at times, and negative. 
I always try to find the positives...living off the highs of my life.
What my future holds for Motherhood is unclear...

But I do know one thing for sure, I will always be a Mother.

_______________________________________________

The BLOG DESIGN Giveaway! 

So some of you may know but I am a pretty talented Blog Designer...LOL!

SO I would love to give one of you a brand spanking New look, I am offering the "Simple" Package to one of you lovelies! 

To enter: (Please leave a separate comment for each entry)

1. Follow this Blog

2. Tweet about my Blog

3. Share my Blog on Facebook.

viYou choose, each one of these count as one entry! 

Cheers!

**You may use $45 to apply to any of my services.

Motherhood: Includes...

Two beautiful Mothers Christine and Nadia, who have been a huge support for for my family are doing this amazing May Blog Hop. It is large group of talented woman sharing there deepest darkest secrets of Motherhood, or maybe just a day in their life. This is a celebration of Motherhood and everything that it brings us. I share only the dark secrets of Motherhood totally unfiltered. 

**Be warned the following is not for the expectant Mother, cause it's all a little too late for them.

_____________________________________

Don’t be fooled Motherhood is not for the weak. There are many aspects I never expected...

1. Pregnancy brings all kinds of highlights. Loss of all dignity, saggy breasts, stretch marks (if you don’t have any shut it) and kankles.

2. Breast feeding is hard. Think cracked, bleeding nipples that burn as you feed your non-stop screaming baby. All this is topped of with boobs that cover your once kankles, now ankles that you still can’t see.

3. Poop. A whole lot of it. I am talking Black sticky poop, Breast fed “Poop Bombs” that cover the entire room, Poop Paste that is fun to finger paint with. Oh and Nuggets that are good for throwing at you and “Logs” that you never thought could come out of a child. And there is Purple, Green and Blue Poop...hint don’t feed your child a lot of “Blue Whale” candies. We will leave all the “sick” poops out cause seriously you don’t even want to know. Ok you do, think wretched Vanilla poop, Oh yes. Wretched Vanilla Scented Poop. All you tubie Mom’s know exactly what I am talking about.

4. Sleep. Don’t think you are going to get any. I don’t think I need cover this any further.

5. Baby food is gross unless you make it yourself. And when you make it yourself you get to see all of your work all over the babies face and the floor. 

6. Dieting after Childbirth or anytime for that matter. Good luck with that, I live on Coffee and Chocolate. Enough said.

7.  Sex. It only happens when it absolutely has too or you decide to be crazy and have more than one child. Don’t be crazy, you’ve been warned.

In all seriousness though I would never change any of this. 

Motherhood is full of crazy highs and lows, challenges and rewards.

Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.

I have changed, my perspective on life has changed and my life could only be a little better than it is! 

I have three beautiful boys, one living with some very challenging Special Powers. Through these little Men’s short lives they have impacted me more than anything else ever has. I am a “changed” woman, in fact I believe I am now a woman. Before I was just a girl, but thats just where I was in my life. Some say that my family has been through more in the last three years than some go through in a lifetime. I look at as these little boys and God were just molding me for what is to come. Life couldn’t get much worse than some of the times we have been in and walked through. A little scaring is left and probably always will be. 

I don’t believe that you are just born a Mother, I believe that every Woman is molded into Motherhood by the children we have. Every Mother has her challenges, some different from others, but I do not believe any challenge is more challenging than another. 

Motherhood is not easy, sometimes I could run and hide, and sometimes I do run and hide for a moment or two. And that is ok.

Funny thing, the only thing I would change is for all of my Son’s health to be the best it can be.

I never wanted to be a Mother, until I was a Mother.

Motherhood has made me complete as a human being and as a wife.

Motherhood is full of challenges and surprises at every step, just make sure you enjoy them along the way.

_____________________________________

So I couldn’t stop at just one Motherhood post...

Check in tomorrow for “Motherhood: My Highs & Lows”.


Giveaway: Would you like a new Blog Design? Well I am giving one away...Tomorrow :)

Also please check out the Lovely "Keeping up with The Pickles" tomorrow for their take on Motherhood!

Sitting here wondering...

I should be sleeping.

My body is tired, its needs to rest.

Tomorrow Mason has yet another test at Children's Hospital.

An EEG to be exact.

Since he was in the hospital at 11 months old I thought he needed this test.

But here we are just over two years later...

sitting wondering if Mason has been having seizures all this time.

If it is so, how is it going to change things. 

Is there going to be change?

What damage has been or not been done?

Praying for no seizures, praying that if he is having them at all tomorrow will show us.

So in 4 hours I will get up with him for good, gotta get him to fall asleep halfway through the test. 

Melatonin will be present.

Long drive in, hoping neither him nor I fall asleep on the way.

Night.

When Reality slaps you in face once more.

There are times, only when I am alone which isn't very often that I daydream.

I think to myself maybe he isn't that different.

Maybe we are making a Mountain out of a molehill.

Maybe one day we will look back, b/c they were all wrong.

Maybe he will be just fine, and life will be "normal".

And then you wake up and read that your life really is different, and not normal.

It maybe our normal, but it's really not going to "just be ok".
Shocking that I was part of this report, the words came out of my mouth. 
But living in it I get lost.

Anyways, this is where I have been. Dealing with it all.

A letter to the government on our behalf, asking for respite.

Mason Sears, a two year old boy, was seen for a speech/language assessment by this speech/language pathologist in Fall 2010 as part of a multi-disciplinary assessment to rule out Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

I had the opportunity to assess Mason in his home and observed his interactions with his parents and siblings as well as with myself.

Mr. and Mrs. Sears reported that Mason’s physical, developmental, and social skills varied from day to day and within a day. This was observed during the assessment sessions. At times, Mason was happy and well-regulated, particularly when engaged in preferred and / or repetitive activities and behaviours, such as watching a favourite movie that involved Harry Potter or Peter Pan. However, within moments, Mason was observed to become aggressive towards others in his environment, whether that was his parent or another adult. Mason was also observed to rapidly shift to become aggressive with his siblings. Even as a professional who is trained to work with children with significantly challenging behaviour, I was on guard for my own personal safety while working with Mason. For example, on one occasion, I was interacting with Mason as I administered an item on the language test. Mason was smiling and talking with me; however, in an instant, Mason suddenly hit out at me with a toy, hitting me in the face. This was despite having been in a guarded state when working with Mason as other acts of aggression had already been observed towards me and others. Mason did not respond with any empathy when an over-exaggerated emotional response was given in response to the injury. Mason was observed to hit his mother and father as well as his brothers, again without emotional response or checking in to see if the targeted person was hurt. It was obvious to this speech/language pathologist (SLP) that Mr. and Mrs. Sears feared for the safety of Mason’s brothers. There is significant risk for physical injury to family members and to others who interact with Mason in his home or in the community due to Mason’s tendency to suddenly become aggressive towards others.

Mr. and Mrs. Sears reported that they no longer can have friends over to visit, especially if those friends have children, as there is a history of Mason hurting the other children. This is emotionally and socially devastating to Mr. and Mrs. Sears. Mason cannot be left in the nursery or Sunday School classroom at church, cannot attend community and therapeutic playgroups, or engage in play on playgrounds in the community due to concern for the safety of other children. This risk for sudden and extreme aggression is impacting the social interactions of Mason and his family members.

During the assessment sessions, Mason was also observed to engage in self- injurious and potentially physically harmful behaviour. Mason was observed to hurt himself when frustrated and aggressive. He had no awareness of safety within his home environment. He readily scaled to heights or onto surfaces that were unstable or unsafe. His parents were continually on guard to ensure that they could remove Mason from such situations as they spontaneously and suddenly arose. Mason was observed to scale the stove, to find a pair of scissors that had been hidden, and to reach into a kitchen drawer that contained knives or other pieces of silverware. In each instance, Mr. or Mrs. Sears quickly intervened to remove Mason from the risk situation. I was cautioned as I entered the home to make sure that my keys were tucked away out of reach as Mason had previously been electrically shocked when placing keys in electrical outlets. During the initial session, Mason was quick to notice the location of my keys and sought them out. They were removed from his possession and stored in an even more hidden location from that point on.

Mason was observed to eat and drink food that was unsafe for him, as determined by feeding team recommendations. He would seek out his brother’s bottle as well as any food or inedible item that he could find as he sought to put them in his mouth. Again, Mason’s parents were quick to intervene and remove the item from Mason’s possession. Mason’s swallowing issues put him at significant risk beyond that of other typical preschoolers due to risk of aspiration. Mrs. Sears reported that they must continuously watch Mason around any source of water, including water in the bathtub and the toilet, as Mason will attempt to drink the water if not under very close continuous supervision. This seeking out of water or thin liquids tends to become an obsessive behaviour. Due to his feeding issues, drinking such water or thin liquids could potentially cause aspiration pneumonia.

Mason was reported to be a safety risk when traveling in the car as well as when around vehicles in general. He does not keep his seatbelt on while riding in his car seat in the car, despite ongoing verbal prompts to do  so. 

Mason’s fascination with keys puts him at risk when around cars. He was reported by his parents to have put the keys in the ignition of his father’s car on one occasion.

Mason was destructive when it came to his own possessions and the possessions of others. This examiner had to closely monitor test materials as Mason was quick to reach out, attempting to tear pages and break test props. Mason was observed to walk right over toys on the floor with no regard to what he was doing. He dumped out bins of toys and threw them, rather than playing appropriately with them. Mrs. Sears reported that these were not uncommon behaviours for Mason. Mason readily threw toys and other objects around the home, with no concern for the toy itself or what object it might hit and break or person that it might injure. Mrs. Sears reported that Mason has damaged the walls in their rental home. She was concerned about the cost of repairing the damage when the potential time comes for them to move from this home.

Mr. and Mrs. Sears both looked exhausted and worn from caring for Mason both during the day and during the night. Mason was reported to not sleep well and his parents had to ensure that he remained safe during the night, especially with respect to his G-tube and feeding equipment that he wears during the day and at night, resulting in minimal sleep for them. Mrs. Sears reported that she very rarely cooks meals for the family on the stove or in the oven any longer due to safety risks with Mason. Microwaving is primarily the only means of cooking food in a safe way in the home at this time, due to the need to continuously supervise Mason. Mrs. Sears reported that it was difficult to make sure that she ate adequately or had time for personal care due to the time demands of caring for Mason.

Recommendations:

• Mason’s parents and his brothers are in urgent need of immediate respite care for Mason. Such respite care would allow Mason to be kept safe while the family could have down time from the high levels of vigilance they all personally must engage in.

• Mr. and Mrs. Sears need the opportunity to have time to connect as a couple in order to preserve their marriage so that they can continue to provide strong parental support for Mason and his brothers.

• Mr. and Mrs. Sears also need individual personal time to rest and distress from the ongoing challenges of monitoring Mason’s safety, medical, and behavioural issues.

• It would be of great benefit for Mason’s brothers to participate in a sibling support group. This would ensure that the social and emotional needs of the brothers are met as they face the daily challenges of being a sibling to a highly reactive, aggressive, and unpredictable brother.

• Mr. and Mrs. Sears also need the opportunity to spend focused time with their other two children when they are not monitoring Mason’s behaviour in order to ensure that they are meeting the emotional, psychological, and developmental needs of these boys.

Overall, Mason demonstrates ongoing and daily extreme safety and health concerns that are impacting the quality of his life as well as the quality of life of his family members.

If you have questions or require further information, please contact me.

Funny how this testing that this Person did was to rule out, Autism. But in fact got us our diagnosis.

I don't know where I was or am going with this post. Just thought you should know why and where I have been.

Mason is three.

It has been three years.

Three years since our lives were completely changed forever.

Three years since I thought my son was healthy, 1090 days since I discovered he was not.

It has been three years since I have averaged more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

Three years since "normal" existed in our world.

Three Years since Mason was just a teeny baby sitting in my arms, as I dreamed about what his life could become. 

Three years of struggle, hardship and pain.

It has been three years.

Three years since Mason came into our lives and changed who we were and are.

The growth, the bond, the strength we have achieved, all from Mason.

Our marriage and family tested more than most in a life time, has been made stronger with deeper love.

Patience.

Most important Mason has taught us, we are not alone.

God is in control of everything, we just need to trust.

Mason taught us that finances are just that finances.

He is the reason that we learned money will come and go, there is no reason to fight, or worry about it.

God provides.

Mason has taught us that there is light in the dark. It may be hard to see at times, but its there.

Mason has made us grow, and there is so much more growth left.

Mason's "terrible two's" has been the hardest year so far.

Moving yet again.

Financial burdens

The following are the Diagnosis we received in the order we received them in the past year:

Oromotor Dyspraxia

Sensory Processing Disorder.

Anxiety Disorder ( Mason and myself)

Pnuemonias

Non Restorative Sleep Syndrome

Chronic Lung Disease

Development delays become more severe.

Mason stopped eating orally.

Expressive Language Disorder

Impulsive and harmful behaviours.

Restless Leg Syndrome

Smith-Magenis Syndrome

PDD-NOS (Autism)

Possible Sleep Apnea and seizures.

Motility (dumping issues)

Possible transition from G-tube to GJ-tube is being talked about. 

Getting asked to move again due to Mason's noise and behaviour.

This has been the hardest year of my life, depression creeped in.

The amount of information that our family was faced with this year was "out of body".

I personally have felt lost in the craziness of our life.

This has also been the biggest year of growth and support in my life.

My motto is no longer,

"It is what it is".
I now rock out : "In him I trust". 

This has been the biggest change for me in the past year.

I am ready for Mason's third year of life. 

We are ready to take these "diagnosis" and show them who is boss.

There are many changes to come this next year, and I am finding myself very ready for them.

But most of all I am ready to try to learn how to help Mason.
And Josh and Carter.
We all are going to need to learn how to deal with it.

To Mason,
I love you more than words or actions can or have said.
I wish I could take all the pain and suffering away.
I am happy that you are three, it has all gone so fast.
Happy Birthday Spiderman.

Love your Mama.