May 5, 2011

Motherhood: Highs and Lows

I am a Mother. Wow.
It often feels weird to say it, sometimes it feels surreal. I have these out of body experiences of shock, I made these? These are mine? Followed by the feelings of unconditional love, accomplishment and then the feeling of where can I run?
I was a young married woman, followed by a young Mom and now we are BIG young family striving to make it to bedtime. When I think about the past five years, especially the last three there have been so many highs and lows as a Mother.
 Here are a few of mine in the past five years, unfiltered.
High: The birth of my Son, Joshua.
Low: The first night home, in the middle of the night Josh had his first breastfed “blow out” in the middle of a diaper change. I kid you not, there was poop everywhere within in a four feet radius. I am talking like someone took a poop bomb and exploded it everywhere. My hair will never be the same. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. The “perfect” nursery we had gotten ready for him...not so ready anymore. 
High: Purchasing a new house & finding out we were expecting again. Buying a new Dog that needed to pull one of us ten blocks six times a day so he didn’t eat everything we owned.
Low: Losing a little baby girl I very shortly knew was there. And the Dog had to go too.
High: Finding out I was pregnant three weeks after losing her.
High: Having my second Son, Mason.
Low: Going back to the hospital five days after he was born because he was barely breathing. Knowing right then something was not right, and the Drs. dismissing that something was seriously wrong.
High: Realizing that no matter what could or was wrong he was my Son, we could do this.
Low: Finding out my Son was dying due to Doctor neglect and that he would need life saving surgery. Along with equipment that wasn’t covered. Losing our home and not understanding what was wrong with Mason. 
High: Taking at dollar store pregnancy test, throwing it out before actually waiting for the very faint line. To having it fall on the floor face up telling me I was pregnant while trying to hide the fact I took a pregnancy test as my MIL was trying to take out my garbage. All while living in my MILs one bed plus den apartment, not able to tell my husband for fear of the hysterical laughter that he would later do in the brand new not enough seater car we had bought three days before, on the way to church. To having the Dr. come in the room, head hung in shame saying he was so sorry. Explaining to me how I got pregnant since there was no way I could be. “I am on Birth Control, nursing, Aunt Flow hasn’t visited since the birth of Mason FIVE months ago”. 
Low: The shame I felt for being pregnant again while dealing a very sick son.
High: My MIL and Husband potty training Josh.
High: Josh becoming a little Man and going to an excelled preschool.
Low: Realizing it is all going by so fast & I was missing out on Josh’s little life.
High: Sitting in the van coming home from a Doctors appointment hearing “Mama” for the first time from Mason’s mouth at eighteen months. 
Highs: The birth of my third son Carter. Ok lets be real, when I went home from the hospital with Carter. “Birth” is never a high, its right after birth that is the high.
Low: Going back to the hospital three weeks later for suspected CP, or another “Mason”. 
High: Finding out that Carter was going to be ok, he just had extreme GERD causing Sandifers Syndrome. Medication would change him so much
Lows: Suddenly losing the happy, very “there” boy Mason was.
Low: Realizing that Josh has ADHD.
High: Realizing how gifted Josh is.
High: Carter clapping for the first time, followed by Mason’s first time clapping. Carter waving for the first time, followed by Mason waving for the first time...we are still on this high.
High: Realizing why God gave us Carter.
Low: Feeling the shame of caring what others thought.
High: Starting this Blog.
High: Sharing our life, no filter needed.
High: Creating life long relationships with wonderful women I have never met.
Low: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.
High: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.
High: Realizing that no matter what came our way that life would work it’s way out as long as we trusted God and continued to fight.
High: Learning to love myself for the Mother I am, no matter where my faults may lie.
High: Mason coming up to me rubbing my leg and telling me “I love you, you are my family, you are my parents, I will never let you die. You are my family.” A moment of real connection.
High: Joshua cuddling me on the couch, rebuilding the relationship stolen by uncontrollable circumstances. Thanking me for the dinner I actually got to cook for him.
High: Carter always wanting “Mama” to take him to bed, not “Dada”.
There are so many more Highs and lows, alot of lows still left in the past where they belong.
Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.
I will never judge another Mother doing what is best for their child, I have learned that you never know what choices are right. But us Mothers do the best we can.
I have hopes and dreams for accomplishments, sure. But nothing is more important than raising my Sons to be men of God. 
I would love to be a Mother to many more, adopted children...I am never doing that pregnant/birth thing again.
God put Joshua, Mason, and Carter into my arms, and told me they were mine.
I am pretty sure that I will never have another put into my arms, God chose me to be their Mother and I am already so blessed.  
I believe I may always have one of my children in my home, and I believe I will always stretch myself as far as I can and then God will stretch me a bit further.
My life can be hard, it can feel defeating at times, and negative. 
I always try to find the off the highs of my life.
What my future holds for Motherhood is unclear...
But I do know one thing for sure, I will always be a Mother.

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May 4, 2011

Motherhood: Includes...

Two beautiful Mothers Christine and Nadia, who have been a huge support for for my family are doing this amazing May Blog Hop. It is large group of talented woman sharing there deepest darkest secrets of Motherhood, or maybe just a day in their life. This is a celebration of Motherhood and everything that it brings us. I share only the dark secrets of Motherhood totally unfiltered. 

**Be warned the following is not for the expectant Mother, cause it's all a little too late for them.

Don’t be fooled Motherhood is not for the weak. There are many aspects I never expected...

1. Pregnancy brings all kinds of highlights. Loss of all dignity, saggy breasts, stretch marks (if you don’t have any shut it) and kankles.

2. Breast feeding is hard. Think cracked, bleeding nipples that burn as you feed your non-stop screaming baby. All this is topped of with boobs that cover your once kankles, now ankles that you still can’t see.

3. Poop. A whole lot of it. I am talking Black sticky poop, Breast fed “Poop Bombs” that cover the entire room, Poop Paste that is fun to finger paint with. Oh and Nuggets that are good for throwing at you and “Logs” that you never thought could come out of a child. And there is Purple, Green and Blue Poop...hint don’t feed your child a lot of “Blue Whale” candies. We will leave all the “sick” poops out cause seriously you don’t even want to know. Ok you do, think wretched Vanilla poop, Oh yes. Wretched Vanilla Scented Poop. All you tubie Mom’s know exactly what I am talking about.

4. Sleep. Don’t think you are going to get any. I don’t think I need cover this any further.
5. Baby food is gross unless you make it yourself. And when you make it yourself you get to see all of your work all over the babies face and the floor. 
6. Dieting after Childbirth or anytime for that matter. Good luck with that, I live on Coffee and Chocolate. Enough said.
7.  Sex. It only happens when it absolutely has too or you decide to be crazy and have more than one child. Don’t be crazy, you’ve been warned.
In all seriousness though I would never change any of this. 
Motherhood is full of crazy highs and lows, challenges and rewards.
Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.
I have changed, my perspective on life has changed and my life could only be a little better than it is! 
I have three beautiful boys, one living with some very challenging Special Powers. Through these little Men’s short lives they have impacted me more than anything else ever has. I am a “changed” woman, in fact I believe I am now a woman. Before I was just a girl, but thats just where I was in my life. Some say that my family has been through more in the last three years than some go through in a lifetime. I look at as these little boys and God were just molding me for what is to come. Life couldn’t get much worse than some of the times we have been in and walked through. A little scaring is left and probably always will be. 

I don’t believe that you are just born a Mother, I believe that every Woman is molded into Motherhood by the children we have. Every Mother has her challenges, some different from others, but I do not believe any challenge is more challenging than another. 
Motherhood is not easy, sometimes I could run and hide, and sometimes I do run and hide for a moment or two. And that is ok.

Funny thing, the only thing I would change is for all of my Son’s health to be the best it can be.
I never wanted to be a Mother, until I was a Mother.
Motherhood has made me complete as a human being and as a wife.
Motherhood is full of challenges and surprises at every step, just make sure you enjoy them along the way.
So I couldn’t stop at just one Motherhood post...
Check in tomorrow for “Motherhood: My Highs & Lows”.

Giveaway: Would you like a new Blog Design? Well I am giving one away...Tomorrow :)

Also please check out the Lovely "Keeping up with The Pickles" tomorrow for their take on Motherhood!