I have been a terrible Blogger among other things.
I thought this year was going to be easier, but alas the difficulties are much different.
I am not going to bore you with the million and yes there have been a million of them, updates. But I can't just start blogging again and leave you feeling all lost in my life, here are a few.
Nick's work changed his shifts and we were never going to see him again, seriously. So he quit, yep last week he quit. Nick starts school in the fall, he is going to be gaining his welding ticket and then hopefully a job. How are we going to live you ask? His work wants to keep him and they may give him the shifts he wants that will work around his school while he is in school. Praying that they do kinda, we will NEVER see Nick Monday to friday he will be gone from 6:30am till 11:45pm. This will only be for 7 months so I think I can handle it. ::vomiting in my mouth as I say that::
We are seriously looking at moving to Alberta when he is done, the health care for Mason would be so much better.
Speaking of Mason he has had a rough few months, but is loving living with G & G. Yes I am back living with my parents for a bit. Anyways, back to Mason who has started Anti-Seizure meds and is now only up a few times a night if that. And for the last four days he has got up after 7:30am... Can I get an amen!! I have been praying so hard that one day I would not have to get up at 5am. Oh I feel like a new person! Mason also started motility meds and his vomiting has decreased tremendously. I am thankful to be started figuring out how to deal with some of the medical issues.
In other news Nick's grandma passed away and left us strict instructions to use the money we got for a family "something". And hey after what we have been through we needed that something. We did pay off some of our debt about 8 thousand dollars in fact. But we also bought a used Tent Trailer that we have been using lots this summer and intent to use a lot more. It has been nice getting away from it all and better still we camp for free because of the government program Mason got on. So we get family vacations for the price of gas!!!
In other news I got smoke inhalation and will never touch another campfire again. In fact Dr. said no more fires this summer. This is how long it could take for my lungs to heal. I feel like an old lady totally winded after doing anything, including sitting on a chair. That says it all.
The MOST important news is that I am headed to Blogher. Yes people BLOGHER! I am so excited and need sponsors. So hit me up! I will wear your items, hand out business cards and wll do the chicken dance if you really want me too.
It often feels weird to say it, sometimes it feels surreal. I have these out of body experiences of shock, I made these? These are mine? Followed by the feelings of unconditional love, accomplishment and then the feeling of where can I run?
I was a young married woman, followed by a young Mom and now we are BIG young family striving to make it to bedtime. When I think about the past five years, especially the last three there have been so many highs and lows as a Mother.
Here are a few of mine in the past five years, unfiltered.
High: The birth of my Son, Joshua.
Low: The first night home, in the middle of the night Josh had his first breastfed “blow out” in the middle of a diaper change. I kid you not, there was poop everywhere within in a four feet radius. I am talking like someone took a poop bomb and exploded it everywhere. My hair will never be the same. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. The “perfect” nursery we had gotten ready for him...not so ready anymore.
High: Purchasing a new house & finding out we were expecting again. Buying a new Dog that needed to pull one of us ten blocks six times a day so he didn’t eat everything we owned.
Low: Losing a little baby girl I very shortly knew was there. And the Dog had to go too.
High: Finding out I was pregnant three weeks after losing her.
High: Having my second Son, Mason.
Low: Going back to the hospital five days after he was born because he was barely breathing. Knowing right then something was not right, and the Drs. dismissing that something was seriously wrong.
High: Realizing that no matter what could or was wrong he was my Son, we could do this.
Low: Finding out my Son was dying due to Doctor neglect and that he would need life saving surgery. Along with equipment that wasn’t covered. Losing our home and not understanding what was wrong with Mason.
High: Taking at dollar store pregnancy test, throwing it out before actually waiting for the very faint line. To having it fall on the floor face up telling me I was pregnant while trying to hide the fact I took a pregnancy test as my MIL was trying to take out my garbage. All while living in my MILs one bed plus den apartment, not able to tell my husband for fear of the hysterical laughter that he would later do in the brand new not enough seater car we had bought three days before, on the way to church. To having the Dr. come in the room, head hung in shame saying he was so sorry. Explaining to me how I got pregnant since there was no way I could be. “I am on Birth Control, nursing, Aunt Flow hasn’t visited since the birth of Mason FIVE months ago”.
Low: The shame I felt for being pregnant again while dealing a very sick son.
High: My MIL and Husband potty training Josh.
High: Josh becoming a little Man and going to an excelled preschool.
Low: Realizing it is all going by so fast & I was missing out on Josh’s little life.
High: Sitting in the van coming home from a Doctors appointment hearing “Mama” for the first time from Mason’s mouth at eighteen months.
Highs: The birth of my third son Carter. Ok lets be real, when I went home from the hospital with Carter. “Birth” is never a high, its right after birth that is the high.
Low: Going back to the hospital three weeks later for suspected CP, or another “Mason”.
High: Finding out that Carter was going to be ok, he just had extreme GERD causing Sandifers Syndrome. Medication would change him so much
Lows: Suddenly losing the happy, very “there” boy Mason was.
Low: Realizing that Josh has ADHD.
High: Realizing how gifted Josh is.
High: Carter clapping for the first time, followed by Mason’s first time clapping. Carter waving for the first time, followed by Mason waving for the first time...we are still on this high.
High: Realizing why God gave us Carter.
Low: Feeling the shame of caring what others thought.
High: Starting this Blog.
High: Sharing our life, no filter needed.
High: Creating life long relationships with wonderful women I have never met.
Low: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.
High: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.
High: Realizing that no matter what came our way that life would work it’s way out as long as we trusted God and continued to fight.
High: Learning to love myself for the Mother I am, no matter where my faults may lie.
High: Mason coming up to me rubbing my leg and telling me “I love you, you are my family, you are my parents, I will never let you die. You are my family.” A moment of real connection.
High: Joshua cuddling me on the couch, rebuilding the relationship stolen by uncontrollable circumstances. Thanking me for the dinner I actually got to cook for him.
High: Carter always wanting “Mama” to take him to bed, not “Dada”.
There are so many more Highs and lows, alot of lows still left in the past where they belong.
Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.
I will never judge another Mother doing what is best for their child, I have learned that you never know what choices are right. But us Mothers do the best we can.
I have hopes and dreams for accomplishments, sure. But nothing is more important than raising my Sons to be men of God.
I would love to be a Mother to many more, adopted children...I am never doing that pregnant/birth thing again.
God put Joshua, Mason, and Carter into my arms, and told me they were mine.
I am pretty sure that I will never have another put into my arms, God chose me to be their Mother and I am already so blessed.
I believe I may always have one of my children in my home, and I believe I will always stretch myself as far as I can and then God will stretch me a bit further.
My life can be hard, it can feel defeating at times, and negative. I always try to find the positives...living off the highs of my life. What my future holds for Motherhood is unclear...
But I do know one thing for sure, I will always be a Mother.
The BLOG DESIGN Giveaway!
So some of you may know but I am a pretty talented Blog Designer...LOL!
SO I would love to give one of you a brand spanking New look, I am offering the "Simple" Package to one of you lovelies!
To enter: (Please leave a separate comment for each entry)
1. Follow this Blog
2. Tweet about my Blog
3. Share my Blog on Facebook.
viYou choose, each one of these count as one entry!
Two beautiful Mothers Christine and Nadia, who have been a huge support for for my family are doing this amazing May Blog Hop. It is large group of talented woman sharing there deepest darkest secrets of Motherhood, or maybe just a day in their life. This is a celebration of Motherhood and everything that it brings us. I share only the dark secrets of Motherhood totally unfiltered.
**Be warned the following is not for the expectant Mother, cause it's all a little too late for them.
Don’t be fooled Motherhood is not for the weak. There are many aspects I never expected...
1. Pregnancy brings all kinds of highlights. Loss of all dignity, saggy breasts, stretch marks (if you don’t have any shut it) and kankles.
2. Breast feeding is hard. Think cracked, bleeding nipples that burn as you feed your non-stop screaming baby. All this is topped of with boobs that cover your once kankles, now ankles that you still can’t see.
3. Poop. A whole lot of it. I am talking Black sticky poop, Breast fed “Poop Bombs” that cover the entire room, Poop Paste that is fun to finger paint with. Oh and Nuggets that are good for throwing at you and “Logs” that you never thought could come out of a child. And there is Purple, Green and Blue Poop...hint don’t feed your child a lot of “Blue Whale” candies. We will leave all the “sick” poops out cause seriously you don’t even want to know. Ok you do, think wretched Vanilla poop, Oh yes. Wretched Vanilla Scented Poop. All you tubie Mom’s know exactly what I am talking about.
4. Sleep. Don’t think you are going to get any. I don’t think I need cover this any further.
5. Baby food is gross unless you make it yourself. And when you make it yourself you get to see all of your work all over the babies face and the floor.
6. Dieting after Childbirth or anytime for that matter. Good luck with that, I live on Coffee and Chocolate. Enough said.
7. Sex. It only happens when it absolutely has too or you decide to be crazy and have more than one child. Don’t be crazy, you’ve been warned.
In all seriousness though I would never change any of this.
Motherhood is full of crazy highs and lows, challenges and rewards.
Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.
I have changed, my perspective on life has changed and my life could only be a little better than it is!
I have three beautiful boys, one living with some very challenging Special Powers. Through these little Men’s short lives they have impacted me more than anything else ever has. I am a “changed” woman, in fact I believe I am now a woman. Before I was just a girl, but thats just where I was in my life. Some say that my family has been through more in the last three years than some go through in a lifetime. I look at as these little boys and God were just molding me for what is to come. Life couldn’t get much worse than some of the times we have been in and walked through. A little scaring is left and probably always will be.
I don’t believe that you are just born a Mother, I believe that every Woman is molded into Motherhood by the children we have. Every Mother has her challenges, some different from others, but I do not believe any challenge is more challenging than another.
Motherhood is not easy, sometimes I could run and hide, and sometimes I do run and hide for a moment or two. And that is ok.
Funny thing, the only thing I would change is for all of my Son’s health to be the best it can be.
I never wanted to be a Mother, until I was a Mother.
Motherhood has made me complete as a human being and as a wife.
Motherhood is full of challenges and surprises at every step, just make sure you enjoy them along the way.
So I couldn’t stop at just one Motherhood post...
Check in tomorrow for “Motherhood: My Highs & Lows”.
Giveaway: Would you like a new Blog Design? Well I am giving one away...Tomorrow :)
There are times, only when I am alone which isn't very often that I daydream.
I think to myself maybe he isn't that different.
Maybe we are making a Mountain out of a molehill.
Maybe one day we will look back, b/c they were all wrong.
Maybe he will be just fine, and life will be "normal".
And then you wake up and read that your life really is different, and not normal.
It maybe our normal, but it's really not going to "just be ok". Shocking that I was part of this report, the words came out of my mouth. But living in it I get lost.
Anyways, this is where I have been. Dealing with it all.
A letter to the government on our behalf, asking for respite.
Mason Sears, a two year old boy, was seen for a speech/language assessment by this speech/language pathologist in Fall 2010 as part of a multi-disciplinary assessment to rule out Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
I had the opportunity to assess Mason in his home and observed his interactions with his parents and siblings as well as with myself.
Mr. and Mrs. Sears reported that Mason’s physical, developmental, and social skills varied from day to day and within a day. This was observed during the assessment sessions. At times, Mason was happy and well-regulated, particularly when engaged in preferred and / or repetitive activities and behaviours, such as watching a favourite movie that involved Harry Potter or Peter Pan. However, within moments, Mason was observed to become aggressive towards others in his environment, whether that was his parent or another adult. Mason was also observed to rapidly shift to become aggressive with his siblings. Even as a professional who is trained to work with children with significantly challenging behaviour, I was on guard for my own personal safety while working with Mason. For example, on one occasion, I was interacting with Mason as I administered an item on the language test. Mason was smiling and talking with me; however, in an instant, Mason suddenly hit out at me with a toy, hitting me in the face. This was despite having been in a guarded state when working with Mason as other acts of aggression had already been observed towards me and others. Mason did not respond with any empathy when an over-exaggerated emotional response was given in response to the injury. Mason was observed to hit his mother and father as well as his brothers, again without emotional response or checking in to see if the targeted person was hurt. It was obvious to this speech/language pathologist (SLP) that Mr. and Mrs. Sears feared for the safety of Mason’s brothers. There is significant risk for physical injury to family members and to others who interact with Mason in his home or in the community due to Mason’s tendency to suddenly become aggressive towards others.
Mr. and Mrs. Sears reported that they no longer can have friends over to visit, especially if those friends have children, as there is a history of Mason hurting the other children. This is emotionally and socially devastating to Mr. and Mrs. Sears. Mason cannot be left in the nursery or Sunday School classroom at church, cannot attend community and therapeutic playgroups, or engage in play on playgrounds in the community due to concern for the safety of other children. This risk for sudden and extreme aggression is impacting the social interactions of Mason and his family members.
During the assessment sessions, Mason was also observed to engage in self- injurious and potentially physically harmful behaviour. Mason was observed to hurt himself when frustrated and aggressive. He had no awareness of safety within his home environment. He readily scaled to heights or onto surfaces that were unstable or unsafe. His parents were continually on guard to ensure that they could remove Mason from such situations as they spontaneously and suddenly arose. Mason was observed to scale the stove, to find a pair of scissors that had been hidden, and to reach into a kitchen drawer that contained knives or other pieces of silverware. In each instance, Mr. or Mrs. Sears quickly intervened to remove Mason from the risk situation. I was cautioned as I entered the home to make sure that my keys were tucked away out of reach as Mason had previously been electrically shocked when placing keys in electrical outlets. During the initial session, Mason was quick to notice the location of my keys and sought them out. They were removed from his possession and stored in an even more hidden location from that point on.
Mason was observed to eat and drink food that was unsafe for him, as determined by feeding team recommendations. He would seek out his brother’s bottle as well as any food or inedible item that he could find as he sought to put them in his mouth. Again, Mason’s parents were quick to intervene and remove the item from Mason’s possession. Mason’s swallowing issues put him at significant risk beyond that of other typical preschoolers due to risk of aspiration. Mrs. Sears reported that they must continuously watch Mason around any source of water, including water in the bathtub and the toilet, as Mason will attempt to drink the water if not under very close continuous supervision. This seeking out of water or thin liquids tends to become an obsessive behaviour. Due to his feeding issues, drinking such water or thin liquids could potentially cause aspiration pneumonia.
Mason was reported to be a safety risk when traveling in the car as well as when around vehicles in general. He does not keep his seatbelt on while riding in his car seat in the car, despite ongoing verbal prompts to do so.
Mason’s fascination with keys puts him at risk when around cars. He was reported by his parents to have put the keys in the ignition of his father’s car on one occasion.
Mason was destructive when it came to his own possessions and the possessions of others. This examiner had to closely monitor test materials as Mason was quick to reach out, attempting to tear pages and break test props. Mason was observed to walk right over toys on the floor with no regard to what he was doing. He dumped out bins of toys and threw them, rather than playing appropriately with them. Mrs. Sears reported that these were not uncommon behaviours for Mason. Mason readily threw toys and other objects around the home, with no concern for the toy itself or what object it might hit and break or person that it might injure. Mrs. Sears reported that Mason has damaged the walls in their rental home. She was concerned about the cost of repairing the damage when the potential time comes for them to move from this home.
Mr. and Mrs. Sears both looked exhausted and worn from caring for Mason both during the day and during the night. Mason was reported to not sleep well and his parents had to ensure that he remained safe during the night, especially with respect to his G-tube and feeding equipment that he wears during the day and at night, resulting in minimal sleep for them. Mrs. Sears reported that she very rarely cooks meals for the family on the stove or in the oven any longer due to safety risks with Mason. Microwaving is primarily the only means of cooking food in a safe way in the home at this time, due to the need to continuously supervise Mason. Mrs. Sears reported that it was difficult to make sure that she ate adequately or had time for personal care due to the time demands of caring for Mason.
•Mason’s parents and his brothers are in urgent need of immediate respite care for Mason. Such respite care would allow Mason to be kept safe while the family could have down time from the high levels of vigilance they all personally must engage in.
•Mr. and Mrs. Sears need the opportunity to have time to connect as a couple in order to preserve their marriage so that they can continue to provide strong parental support for Mason and his brothers.
•Mr. and Mrs. Sears also need individual personal time to rest and distress from the ongoing challenges of monitoring Mason’s safety, medical, and behavioural issues.
•It would be of great benefit for Mason’s brothers to participate in a sibling support group. This would ensure that the social and emotional needs of the brothers are met as they face the daily challenges of being a sibling to a highly reactive, aggressive, and unpredictable brother.
•Mr. and Mrs. Sears also need the opportunity to spend focused time with their other two children when they are not monitoring Mason’s behaviour in order to ensure that they are meeting the emotional, psychological, and developmental needs of these boys.
Overall, Mason demonstrates ongoing and daily extreme safety and health concerns that are impacting the quality of his life as well as the quality of life of his family members.
If you have questions or require further information, please contact me.
Funny how this testing that this Person did was to rule out, Autism. But in fact got us our diagnosis.
I don't know where I was or am going with this post. Just thought you should know why and where I have been.
- Has had an EVERYTHING infection through out the last 6 weeks. Almost better? Here's hoping anyways!
- Is no longer my baby, in a matter of two days he formed into a dependant early terrible twos toddler. I miss my baby. The head banging temper tantrums that are coming from this child are slightly cute though. I am sure this cuteness we find in his tantrums will be short lived!
- He is finally on completely thin liquids COMPLETELY! This is huge people!
He is such a stinker and I am NOT ready for him to be a big boy yet.
I find myself screaming inside, SOMEONE HOLD ME! LOL
- Mason is having some troubles with his health this last month so we have an emergency GI meeting this Monday. New meds and talk of going to a GJ-tube are on the list of topics.
- We have received his appointment for his EEG, looking for the seizures they think he maybe having. Its in early May.
- Still waiting for the appointment for the Sleep study, MRI and Chronic Pain Clinic.
- So many days and nights have been spent talking with so many options discussed. What are we going to do about his therapy? What are we going to do and what are we going to get for funding?
- We have decided with the help of the Child advocate that Night Nursing care is the best option for him and the family. So thats what they are going to be asking for. I am really unsure if that is exactly what we would like. Huh.
-Mason will have a behavioural consultant that will be coming in the home soon to help us and also show Mason's BI what to do. This is all so new to us. All we know and this is the thought from everyone that Mason will go NO where until we get his behaviours under control.
- Josh had EXPENSIVE dental surgery this month. The poor boy got my genes in the mouth department. (I already have a partial denture at 26, scary I know)
- Had a better month at school and has Spring Break coming up...Wonder what we are all going to do?
- Josh is at the beginning of reading, and it is so amazing. He just picked it up. Crazy how old they get and how fast!
- Been working loads of over time again...Blah. But we need him too so...
- Got himself some running shoes and decided to run 3km the first day back after not running for months. The worst part...he wasn't to affected by it. Again, SOMEONE HOLD ME, as if that is going to happen for me.
- In other news...Nick is boring so there is no more news.
- I have been dealing with my health over the last few months, my health sucks.
For those who don't know, which is most of you I was diagnosed with Crohnes when I was fifteen. They then changed my diagnosis to Ulcerative Colitis and then back to Crohnes. SoI really don't know what I exactly have..but let me tell you what ever it is...it is NO longer in remission. I had a few troubles after I had Josh loosing 45 pounds in just 4 weeks, but got meds and got it under control. Since then I have had nothing, until now. I have been suffering with nausea and pain for a few months now. I guess I had a little flare up last week and ended up in the Emerge to get some fluids, they would have liked to keep me so I could see the GI alot sooner. My appointment had been for July and the ER Dr. said I couldn't wait that long. I agree! But I am not able to go into the hospital for a week or so at this point. So I went home and have been doing ok. My appointment has been moved up to April 12th and I am really happy about it! I am ALOT more tired, it's not just my brain thats tired anymore..my body is SO tired. But I just tell myself, "suck it up princess" and I seem to be ok!
- Paper..I have SO much paper coming from every direction to work on. I just re organized all Masons Medical files and papers, since the advicate needs them. I am in the middle of filling out 37 pages of a paperwork for them as well. And then there is Josh's school papers for enrolment for next year, as well as we are asking for assistance to keep him there. Still in a fight with the government about the $6000 owing. When really they should owe us THOUSANDS!
- Blog design business is doing well and I am now working for another HUGE designer
April Showers. This has been a huge blessing as Money has/is so tight! But it is another thing on my plate...good thing its something I enjoy!
- I got a great pair of running shoes that have yet to come out of the box...hoping I get up the nerves soon.
- THE HOUSE HUNT IS STILL ON! We have yet to find a house that we like that the owners haven't turned around to decide they are selling instead. Ugh. God will provide a house...he will!
Mason's 3rd Birthday is March 15!
- Gifts of jeans in size three would be lovely...(cough..Family are you listening??) LOL
Dana's 27th Birthday is March 23rd and I am feeling alot older. There seems to be a feeling of a huge difference in 26 to 27.
-I need a gift too..LOL NEED. Ok I don't need...but I really WANT this.
I WANT it to say, "In him I trust" on the front & "For those I luv" on the backside. Also with the Sturdy Fine link chain. (Hint Hint)
Did you get the mesage? LOL
*Want is not Need. And I really don't need. Which kinda stinks..LOL Love you all anyways :)
Since I seem to be rambling...I am going to stop.
Check in for my next post which is HALF written...