January 26, 2011


So I lost it on Saturday.
I had have had enough and I needed to get it all out.

I have found myself lost lately.
I lost my will drive to continue fighting, I am tired.

I feel like I won a HUGE fight and I should be SO happy.
And please don't get me wrong I am happy, but tired happy.
We won the fight and I just need some time to build up for the next.
I know that it is just really starting and I just can't wait any longer...
I need it to start now.
I just want to be all set up and for life to get easier.

I am at peace. 
Church, I went to church on Sunday.
It had been awhile and it was SO good.
I just felt the spirit flow over me with peace.
And I have felt quite relieved.
I am thinking about finally getting baptized this february.
I think it's time, this is about me and it can finally be about me.
There are no babies in my belly...
The stress hasn't been so bad this week.
I am so truly grateful for everyone's support and everyone's hugs, whether IRL or not!

Carter had his appointment at Children's Hospital today.
It was nothing but good news, which was a breath of fresh air!
We left being told that we had a "really great healthy boy".
His Sandifer's Syndrome is no more as long as he stays on his GERD meds.
He has a good amount of fat on his body and he CAN swallow thin liquids.
So in the weeks to come we will be working hard to get Carter off thickened liquids.
I am screaming joy inside today, we all are.

Just a little note about Carter and his helmet.
Most people know that Carter got a very serious concussion at the beginning of the month, and well he is still not healed.
One of the side effects of his concussion is just being uncoordinated, because of this he is falling ALOT.
Needless to say he has hit his head several more times, and passed out on Saturday again. 
On Sunday he fell several times, a couple were really bad.
He bit through his tongue in one hit and chipped two teeth in another.
So to the Dr. we went.
It seems his poor brain hasn't had the time to heal properly because of all the repeated hits.
So it was decided that he will be wearing a helmet for 1-3 weeks to allow his brain to heal.
He looks pretty cute with his bike helmet on.
We opted not to payed the $75 for a one time use helmet and just used the bike helmet instead.
The only problem with the helmet so far? 
Carter believes he should be riding his bike all day.
I kinda find it cute hearing him yell at high pitches "bik" all day.
Seriously, I love it.
Communication is really good people!

So today ends positive and I am ready for what tomorrow will bring. 
I am sure it's going to have it's challenges, but I am ready.
We are ready.

Isn't he just to cute for words!

January 22, 2011

It's been a very hard month.

As the months, weeks and days have gone by I have lost more of the son I thought I had.

Tonight I put the boys to bed, but Carter cried and hard.
I went and picked him up, I could feel that he needed me...
his body just relaxed deep into mine.
So I brought him downstairs to sit with me.
Carter does this once and awhile, he never cries to go to bed.
I knew he needed me.
He needed his Mom.

Mason rules our life, there's no easy way to say it.
He dictates what everyone does from minute to minute.
Where and how we live, shop, eat and play.

Life is hard for Mason. 
Life is hard for Joshua and for Carter.
Life is hard for Nick and for myself.
This life is not what I thought of "living".
Sometimes I hate that this is my life.
Sometimes I dream about what life could have, should have been.

I do not know Joshua, he does not talk to me.
He lives in stress, fear and wondering.
I have lost him somewhere along the way.
And I am lost trying to find him.

Carter is my baby.
He is the one who I never wanted, the one I was embarrassed to be growing.
He is the glue we needed, we need.
Watching Carter grow, develop, and now communicate even without words...
it brings me to tears.
This is what this is supposed to be.
You are supposed to have a connection with your child.
The kisses are healing for my soul.
Carter has never known a life without Mason.
It scares me to think about how much Carter can actually hear me.

Mason has gotten so much worse.
There is nothing positive to report.
They warned us...
they told us he would get worse.
That he would change and that this wasn't going to be easy.
they warned us.

We never thought it would all happen so fast...
1 month warning.
I find myself grieving...
I find myself sick of my "son".
Sick of his sick.
I find myself guilty for being sick of my son.
I love Mason.
I hate that this is what Mason has become.
I hate the pain that he is constantly in.
I hate this situation.
I long to wake up and for it to be all better.
For us to wake up and everyone be healthy.
For the stress, pain, and the nightmares to be gone.
The nightmares.

This month has brought us to Emergency twice already.
Strangely not for Mason.

Carter knocked himself out...
I will never forget the way he felt.
He did it again today.
This time i was not holding him.
It was only for 15 seconds.
Since having Carter I have had awful feelings...
nightmares about losing him, an uneasy feeling.
It is probably the stress from what we went through with Mason at his ages...
I never realized until just recently just how close we have been to actually physically losing our son.

Josh had to go the Emergency last night.
Josh has asthma and had one of the worst if not the worst asthma attack ever.
For 35 minutes we worked with every tool we had to get his breathing under control.
He was really struggling so we left.
The anxiety that slowly creeps in is unbearable.
We get to the hospital his breathing is way more under control.
We wait to see the Dr. to make sure this isn't going to happen again.
As we wait several newborn babies come through the doors...sick babies.
Couple day old babies.
We are sitting with Josh in the same bed...
the bed where Mason was first taken at five days old.
The bed where Mason was found to be barely breathing.

And now there were babies surrounding us... crying there little cries.

Today has been a hard day.
I can't make myself stop re-living those awful moments.
All the awful moments.
Today, this month has been a hard month.

In four days we will be back in Children's hospital,
in the room where they told us that Mason couldn't swallow properly.
In the room where they told me water could kill my son.
The room where our lives changed forever.
The difference is this time we will be there with Carter.

Please pray they find why Carter also has trouble swallowing.
Please pray that is just from reflux. 
This is the best option.

Josh is really struggling with life, with our life these past few months.
Please pray that he can find peace.
That we can find peace.

Mason needs help.
We need our Respite.
We need Mason's therapy, we need someone to help him.
We don't want to wait anymore.
We have been going for 34 months...
we have waited long enough.
Are you listening?

We are all so tired.

This is what Special Powers can do to a family.

I have hope
We need to have hope.
Because this is not what life is supposed to be.
There is supposed to be quality in life.
Mason has none.
The rest of us don't really have much either.
But I know that this can get better.
We just need the ************ to step up and do their part.

Life is going to get better... I believe this.
This is what I need to do to keep going.
I am believing.

January 19, 2011


Just need a day to fix my Blog all pretty!

January 11, 2011

The Best Kept Secret-An Auction for Mason

Once again my you all have SHOCKED me.
Shocked, shaken, and rocked me to the core.
I have no idea how you all did it?

So to those who don't know the best kept history...
Crystal from Domestic, But Not Martha has been scheming for a couple weeks.
Along with several amazing people, Crystal has thrown an online Auction for Mason together.

I don't even know what to say anymore.
Again the support from all of you on-line people along with in real life people...
it's just been so needed.
You have all lifted my spirits when I was so tired.

God is SO good.
Please go check out the deals you can get online, and all the funds are going directly to Mason and our family!

I am really at a loss for words, cause I have no idea how to even begin to show you how much this all means. 
So forgive me.
They will come.
The Sears Fam

January 10, 2011

A BIG Favor!

It is seems that I am about to be all needy again...
But I really NEED your help!
I have entered a Design Blog Challenge over at April Shower's.
April is an amazing Designer and I have learned so much from her.
Much to her horror I am sure, she is my Mentor.
I really truly Love that woman for all that she has done.
Okay enough with the mushy stuff!! 
The prize package is amazing and I would really give my Design business the push it needs.

I have Designed #9 & would love to know what you think?
Once again thank you all for your Support! 

Make sure you check out my post from this early today,
"It's in the Bag"

The Sears Fam

It’s In the Bag

 I am super excited to be joining "A Hasty Life" Blog Hop.
Believe it or not I have not ever really joined a hop that I had to post for!
But when it comes to a Bag, I am there.

So this is my latest.
It is from a company called, "The Sac".
For Christmas of 2009 I received two messenger styles bags from The Sac and fell in LOVE with their bags.
 When I spotted this Bag, I just happened to be with my Mom.
My Mom being who she is knew I was in mad love with this bag. She also knew that I would never spend money on myself like that.
This Christmas my Sister drew my name out out of the hat...
My Mom told exactly what I wanted, not needed, but really wanted.

It is a soft red leather with leather rope straps that retails for $59.99.

Now my bag has to be really big and easily organizable. 
Read "big" and "organized" as slightly OCD about a bag being organized.
I have three little boys, two still in diapers and no matter what as long as I live I will always have baby wipes in my bag.

So this is the Grown up portion of "The Sak".
I really love my wallet, it's from "Element" a skateboard apparel company. It has plenty of card spots, two spots for paper items and two zipper pouches. 
I never go any where without my iphone and dont remember how I lived life without it.
Next comes a pen, lipgloss, Starbucks Via instant coffee pouches, gum for after the coffee, Aleve for going anywhere with my kids and Victoria Secret Hand Lotion. 
These are items that are always in my bag. 

This is the Children portion of "The Sak".
I have three children, Josh is five, Mason is almost three and Carter is eighteen months.
Mason has "Special Powers", because of his "SP" he is tube fed, so I carry some extras in "The Sak". 
The MUST not leave the house without or you will be turning back home list:
- Diaper wipes
- 4 diapers minimum
- 1 Syringe
- 1 Can of Peptamin Jr.
- 4 "Simply Thick" for both Mason & Carter (liquid thickener)
- 2 Soothers at LEAST
- 3 Fruit snacks or some Gold Fish
- 2 cups made with thickener, plus a cup for Josh when he is with us.

The last item and the newest item is Mason's ipad.
Many of the parents of Special Powered kids have started using ipads for communication and anxiety. So far in our very short time of having it Mason along with all of us are really loving it.
I can tell that it will be something that goes everywhere with us.
::makes a spot in the bag for it::

The final weight of "The Sak" is eight pounds when I leave the house.

What's in your bag?

A Hasty Life

Next post from A Tiny Bit of Sparkle.

The Sears Fam