May 5, 2011

Motherhood: Highs and Lows

I am a Mother. Wow.
It often feels weird to say it, sometimes it feels surreal. I have these out of body experiences of shock, I made these? These are mine? Followed by the feelings of unconditional love, accomplishment and then the feeling of where can I run?
I was a young married woman, followed by a young Mom and now we are BIG young family striving to make it to bedtime. When I think about the past five years, especially the last three there have been so many highs and lows as a Mother.
 Here are a few of mine in the past five years, unfiltered.
High: The birth of my Son, Joshua.
Low: The first night home, in the middle of the night Josh had his first breastfed “blow out” in the middle of a diaper change. I kid you not, there was poop everywhere within in a four feet radius. I am talking like someone took a poop bomb and exploded it everywhere. My hair will never be the same. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. The “perfect” nursery we had gotten ready for him...not so ready anymore. 
High: Purchasing a new house & finding out we were expecting again. Buying a new Dog that needed to pull one of us ten blocks six times a day so he didn’t eat everything we owned.
Low: Losing a little baby girl I very shortly knew was there. And the Dog had to go too.
High: Finding out I was pregnant three weeks after losing her.
High: Having my second Son, Mason.
Low: Going back to the hospital five days after he was born because he was barely breathing. Knowing right then something was not right, and the Drs. dismissing that something was seriously wrong.
High: Realizing that no matter what could or was wrong he was my Son, we could do this.
Low: Finding out my Son was dying due to Doctor neglect and that he would need life saving surgery. Along with equipment that wasn’t covered. Losing our home and not understanding what was wrong with Mason. 
High: Taking at dollar store pregnancy test, throwing it out before actually waiting for the very faint line. To having it fall on the floor face up telling me I was pregnant while trying to hide the fact I took a pregnancy test as my MIL was trying to take out my garbage. All while living in my MILs one bed plus den apartment, not able to tell my husband for fear of the hysterical laughter that he would later do in the brand new not enough seater car we had bought three days before, on the way to church. To having the Dr. come in the room, head hung in shame saying he was so sorry. Explaining to me how I got pregnant since there was no way I could be. “I am on Birth Control, nursing, Aunt Flow hasn’t visited since the birth of Mason FIVE months ago”. 
Low: The shame I felt for being pregnant again while dealing a very sick son.
High: My MIL and Husband potty training Josh.
High: Josh becoming a little Man and going to an excelled preschool.
Low: Realizing it is all going by so fast & I was missing out on Josh’s little life.
High: Sitting in the van coming home from a Doctors appointment hearing “Mama” for the first time from Mason’s mouth at eighteen months. 
Highs: The birth of my third son Carter. Ok lets be real, when I went home from the hospital with Carter. “Birth” is never a high, its right after birth that is the high.
Low: Going back to the hospital three weeks later for suspected CP, or another “Mason”. 
High: Finding out that Carter was going to be ok, he just had extreme GERD causing Sandifers Syndrome. Medication would change him so much
Lows: Suddenly losing the happy, very “there” boy Mason was.
Low: Realizing that Josh has ADHD.
High: Realizing how gifted Josh is.
High: Carter clapping for the first time, followed by Mason’s first time clapping. Carter waving for the first time, followed by Mason waving for the first time...we are still on this high.
High: Realizing why God gave us Carter.
Low: Feeling the shame of caring what others thought.
High: Starting this Blog.
High: Sharing our life, no filter needed.
High: Creating life long relationships with wonderful women I have never met.
Low: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.
High: Finding out that Mason has Smith-Magenis Syndrome and Autism.
High: Realizing that no matter what came our way that life would work it’s way out as long as we trusted God and continued to fight.
High: Learning to love myself for the Mother I am, no matter where my faults may lie.
High: Mason coming up to me rubbing my leg and telling me “I love you, you are my family, you are my parents, I will never let you die. You are my family.” A moment of real connection.
High: Joshua cuddling me on the couch, rebuilding the relationship stolen by uncontrollable circumstances. Thanking me for the dinner I actually got to cook for him.
High: Carter always wanting “Mama” to take him to bed, not “Dada”.
There are so many more Highs and lows, alot of lows still left in the past where they belong.
Motherhood is an amazing life altering, character building process.
I will never judge another Mother doing what is best for their child, I have learned that you never know what choices are right. But us Mothers do the best we can.
I have hopes and dreams for accomplishments, sure. But nothing is more important than raising my Sons to be men of God. 
I would love to be a Mother to many more, adopted children...I am never doing that pregnant/birth thing again.
God put Joshua, Mason, and Carter into my arms, and told me they were mine.
I am pretty sure that I will never have another put into my arms, God chose me to be their Mother and I am already so blessed.  
I believe I may always have one of my children in my home, and I believe I will always stretch myself as far as I can and then God will stretch me a bit further.
My life can be hard, it can feel defeating at times, and negative. 
I always try to find the positives...living off the highs of my life.
What my future holds for Motherhood is unclear...
But I do know one thing for sure, I will always be a Mother.
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9 comments:

  1. Dana, your posts and your family just touches my heart. I like how you contrast the highs with the lows. For every low we have, there is also a high that can surpass it. Without having met you in person, I tell you are a super, wonderful mother! I am so glad to come to know you. I'm off to tweet about your blog right now. I'm @narrawriter if you want to connect. I am already following YOU on Twitter, though.

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  2. What a very heart-warming and touching post. Thanks for sharing. I'm a new follower.

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  3. What a lovely post, thank you for sharing. Your strength is amazing. People have told me that I'm strong, but it's mothers like you that really are. God Bless you and your family :)

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  4. **New Follower**

    Such a Wonderful Post!

    Hopping over from
    "All work and no play makes mommy go something something"

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  5. Dana....reading your blog, 'meeting' you and your family through your words is definitely a 'High' for me. You are amazing - stunningly resilient, and wise....I am so blessed to have 'met' you through this blog tour. Following you ...everywhere....Much Love, Nadia

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  6. Hi Dana,

    Thank you for sharing your highs and lows of motherhood and life with us. It is a pleasure "meeting" you and learning just how strong and resilient you are.

    1. I am a new follower (I saw your blog design at Makeup Merriment and was so impressed that I've spent the last 30 minutes drooling over your portfolio blogs and reading about the different packages!). My email is BrookeElizabeth4@aol.com.

    Thank you SO MUCH for the great giveaway!! I would absolutely love to redesign my blog. I have spent countless hours reading about html, etc., and honestly, I am baffled. I just really want a clean, attractive blog so much! Fingers crossed :)

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  7. 2. I tweeted from BBabblingBrooke:

    BBabblingBrooke Babbling Brooke
    Check out Dana Sears inspiring (and beautiful) blog: http://www.thesearsfam.com/ @DanaSearsFam

    Thank you again!!!

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  8. Thanks for this great advice dear i am very inspired of your blog.
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    ReplyDelete