July 18, 2010

the nightmares.

asleep & awake.

I have nightmares.
i have them while i am sleeping.
in Children's Hospital.
daydreams turn into nightmares.
the scenes play out in my head.

I don't cry very often.
I have gone numb.
numb to pain.
to fear.
to love.
but not to death...

it started with Mason.
the breath being taken from him a 5 days old.
the fear filled faces of the Drs. looking at my son.
the not knowing.
the Dr. telling me my son is dying at 11 months old...
the fight we fight for M.
the day 2 day.

they started when no one would listen.
when people thought i was crazy or being dramatic.
"attention seeking"
when i knew something was wrong with my son.
when something was really wrong.

at first they came in daydreams while sitting at the hospital.
then they spread like a virus spreads through your body.
my body, mind & soul are filled with them.

it has turned into anxiety.
anxiety of the unknown...
of the needing to get Mason help...
to not fail my son again.

i took part in drowning my son 24 hrs a day for 11 months.
unwillingly, but i did.
i caused damage to his lungs.
i didn't push hard enough.
i missed it.
i missed him getting help for 11 months.
what if i had just gone & said i am not leaving & not left.
Mason was so critical when we finally got help.

but they got worse.
i now have them about N, J & C since he was born.

every time N leaves for work i have a them.
will i ever see him again?
how will it happen?
am i going to have to do this alone?

i usually shake my head & tell myself i am silly...
move on.

until J goes to school.
is this the last time i will see my son?
what if that car came & hit him?
what if he fell on the playground?
what if?

then C has a nap.
i can't hear him breathing now that he is in his own room.
what if he stops?
what if he falls down the stairs?
what if?

i have them constantly throughout my day with M.
M knows no "safety" boundaries.
M can't have water...
but he'll try to get someone's cup.
lick a puddle.
drink from the toilet.
from a wet cloth.
it's not that i don't give him things for his mouth.
he just wants water.
often when he gets a fair amount he gets really sick.
we have been really luck that he has been as healthy as he is.

it only takes one pneumonia to end his life.
it only takes water to get pneumonia.
on slip up on my part to get water.

so they pop up as i try to control my son.
as i try to teach him...
remind a 2 year old that water can hurt him.

when we are at Children's several times a month...
the children fighting & some loosing their battle with Cancer.
the new babies born with "defects" 
the children who are slowly dying from different diseases & disorders.
the little girl who suffers from what is scary close to M's issues...
who is a couple years older & with all the damage done is very sick alot of the time.
they make me see a scary path ahead.
i feel the fear, anxiety & the death most at these times.
my mind races.
they come like thundering horses trampling my mind, body & soul.

death is a fear like no other for me.
but it's not my death i fear.
it's the death of my loved ones.
how will i live without them?

i am not one of the Mom's who cringes when there kids fall...
or worries when they play way above their age.
i am not afraid of heights & or when they are learning their boundaries.
but i am afraid of the outcome that could be lingering in the air.
the thought that accidents happen & they change our lives in a instant.
the thought of loosing one of my own.

i am so surrounded with children dying.
M has brought a community that lifts me & scares me.

i don't know if the nightmares will ever go away.
but by writing them down i am telling whomever is reading this, that they are there.
that life is too short & to acknowledge & love your loved ones more than life itself.
because life can end at any moment and for some it's ending right now.

there is eternity if you believe in Christ Jesus who died on the cross for us.

there is a way better place than Earth to be.

i'm just not ready to say good bye to the ones i love.
& i have nightmares about it.

 plain & simple.

just in case you were wondering.


  1. I am tearing up reading this. I can't even imagine the nightmares you have & thank you for reminding me what blessings my children's health is. I will continue to have your family in my thoughts. You are an amazing mother, woman and writer! ♥

  2. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have them too. Exactly. ((hugs))

  3. Devan- Thank you hun! Health is something I used to take for granted. Never again. Hug your children for me today! I am trying to yell a little less at my kids & crazy life!

    LaLa- ::Hugs:: right back at you! Nightmares suck. I am declaring it.

    Thank you for your comments ladies!