March 27, 2010


lack of wanting.

i am sitting in the kids play room...
its a disaster.
actually my whole house is disastrous.disgusting.demanding.
and the worst part?

i am immobilized.
i have been driven & driven.
i am tired & feel like i need a break...
from everyone & everyday life.
i need to sleep & sleep.
i am completely exasperated.

i am emotionally cold & yet not.
this house being such a disaster is driving me insane...
for those who don't know i am a perfectionist to the extreme...
bordering on being OCD.
if i can't do something how i feel it should be done it is incredibly hard for me to do.

so when moving & everything is loosing its place my house falls apart & literally it makes my stomach sick.
i feel emotionally strained & immoblized.
i want everything done.

here is where my kids come in the mix.

i love when they throw their food all over the place.
when they pull everything back out behind me as i desperately try to clean up.
when they cry & just want to be held all day, everyday.
when the tube comes undone whilst sleeping & the crib & the carpets need to be cleaned.
when there is pooh spread upon the bathroom floor.
when there are more dents in the walls we have to fix before we move.
when i can get nothing done.
when they fight.bite.scream.

see i can be emotional.

i just need to be left alone for 2 days.
i will work my heart out...
my house will be packed & clean.
i will be refreshed & ready to take on life again.

i will pick myself up...
at some point.
i just don't really want to.

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